That Don't Impress Kyle
by Suki-Itami
Summary: Kyle's really tired of Stan, Kenny, and Cartman bickering over him, so he has a solution...maybe.


_I love Shania Twain, and I suddenly got the urge to do this while my mom's watching _Why Not? With Shania Twain_ off of the OWN network. Hehe…_

…

Kyle groaned and allowed his forehead to hit the booth table him, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman were sitting at in Whistlin' Willie's. All three of his friends were bickering again. It shouldn't come as a surprise and it shouldn't bother him so much, but for the past few months, it's been the same constant argument: Who **really** deserved to date Kyle.

At sixteen-years-old, the redhead was an open bisexual for nearly six months. He dated Craig for a few weeks about four months ago, but that was a match made in Hell. There were times Kyle actually wanted to **strangle** Craig. He then dated Bebe for a month, but they weren't compatible as lovers, simply as friends. About the time they broke up, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman all decided to admit their love for him at pretty much the exact same time.

Ever since, the three have been bickering about who was better for him and who deserved to be picked by Kyle.

Truth be told though, he wasn't in the mood to date anyone at the moment, but at first he was afraid of telling them simply because he didn't want to lose two good friends - he still couldn't care less about Cartman. Now he wanted to scream from the rooftops that he was sick and tired of the fighting, and that he wasn't going to date Stan or Kenny at the moment, or Cartman ever. Was it too much to ask for all three of them to just **shut up**?

"You're too poor Kinny," Cartman said as-a-matter-of-factly, "Kyle would **never** date someone with no fucking money!"

Kenny raised his middle finger. "Fuck you fat ass! Like he'll wanna be pinned underneath someone twice his size! You'll suffocate him!"

"Guys guys," Stan said with a narcissistic chuckle, "you're wasting your breath. Everyone knows that Kyle will become mine. The jock and the bookworm, it's an obvious match." He flashed a gorgeous smirk.

"Ha!" Cartman pointed at himself. "I'm the only one here with a car! That automatically makes me cooler than you, jock boy!"

Kyle groaned again and tangled his fingers into his curly red hair. They were talking as if he wasn't even there! God, why did the three guys who had a crush on him have to be douchebags?

"_Okay,"_ a male voice echoed through a microphone on the hastily made dais near the order counter of the pizza restaurant, _"it is open karaoke night. Let me remind everyone that there are no prizes tonight, this is simply for fun. The actual karaoke contest is this Sunday at five. So, who wants to go first?"_

As Cartman made some snide remark about how ridiculous doing karaoke without any prizes was, Kyle lifted his head up and looked over at where the annoyed-looking employee stood. He got an idea.

Ignoring the throbbing pain in his forehead from hitting it off of the hard wood table, Kyle stood and walked over to the dais. He held his hand out towards the employee. "Hand me the microphone." When it was in his hand, he asked the guy, "How long is this thing's cord?"

"It'll reach just past the front door."

"Thank you, that's perfect." He told the employee which music to turn on and then waited.

As upbeat country music started, he turned and walked back over to the table he'd been sitting at with his friends. He stepped onto the table, earning glares from all of the employees of Whistlin' Willie's and causing his friends to move their sodas out of the way so they wouldn't get knocked over - Kenny moved Kyle's for him.

The redhead turned to Stan and looked down at him as he began singing, _"I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart."_ He crouched down in front of his best friend with an amused smile on his face. _"But you've got being right down to an art. You think you're a genius - you drive me up the wall. You're a regular original, a know-it-all." _He stood up again and began dancing around in place. _"Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special. Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else."_ He stopped and pointed at Stan. _"Okay, so you're a rocket scientist. That don't impress me much."_ He start dancing again. _"So you got the brain but have you got the touch? Don't get me wrong, yeah, I think you're alright. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night. That don't impress me much."_

While a look of shock crossed Stan's face and a quick musical break occurred, Kyle faced Kenny. _"I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket."_ He crouched down in front of the blonde with his smile still in place. _"And a comb up his sleeve - just in case. And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it." _He wagged a finger in front of his friend's face._ "'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall out of place."_ He stood again and danced in front of Kenny as he had Stan. _"Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special. Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else."_ He stopped and pointed at Kenny. _"Okay, so you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress me much."_ He began dancing once again. _"So you got the looks but have you got the touch? Don't get me wrong, yeah, I think you're alright. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night. That don't impress me much."_

He danced for a moment while another instrumental break played.

Finally, Kyle faced Cartman with his smile changed into a smirk - Kenny was in shock too, sharing the exact same look as Stan. Oh, he was going to enjoy this one! _"You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine." _He crouched down in front of the brunette._ "You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in. I can't believe you kiss your car good night." _He stood up and feigned laughing. _"C'mon baby, tell me - you must be jokin', right?"_ He danced once again. _"Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special. Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else."_ He stopped and pointed at Cartman. _"Okay, so you've got a car. That don't impress me much."_ He started dancing again. _"So you got the moves but have you got the touch? Don't get me wrong, yeah, I think you're alright. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night. That don't impress me much."_

Kyle pointed between all three of his friends. _"You think you're cool but have you got the touch? Don't get me wrong, yeah, I think you're alright. But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night. That don't impress me much."_

He jumped down off of the table and faced his friends. _"Okay, so what do you think, you're Elvis or something? Whatever…"_ He made his way back to the dais and clipped the microphone back into place on its stand. _"That don't impress me!"_

As the music faded away, Kyle walked out of the restaurant with a satisfied smile on his face. He didn't care that he could feel Kenny and Stan's shocked gazes and Cartman's glare on his back, it was fucking worth it.

…

Kyle shook his head looked back at his friends as Cartman continued saying how ridiculous karaoke for fun was. For all of two minutes, their conversation centered around that before somehow finding its way back to one of them dating the redhead. Kyle's head hit the table again.

It was too bad he was too shy to actually get up and sing that. It really would be perfect.


End file.
